March 11, 2005

But I want the Olympics!

OK, Jeff Jarvis and John Gibson don't want the Olympics to come to New York. Fine. But if the Olympics don't come here, many of us in the New York Tri-State area will be robbed of a source of great entertainment, and no, I'm not talking about the events. I'm talking about the shear glee in being able to torture our "betters" in Europe by giving them incomprehensible directions.

Cheese Eating Surrender Monkey: Pardonnez mois, simplistic warmongering Americain Cowboy. How do I get to Meadowlands Stadium?
Our Hero: OK, well the first thing you will have to do, get on Interstate 95 north. When you see signs for Bridgeport, get off the highway. Now, when you get to the bottom of the exit ramp, you will see a number of African American men there. They are special valets hired by the International Olympic committee. Hand them your car keys and tell them you are from the David Duke Friendship Center, so they'll make certain to treat you extra special..

Lefty BBC/Guardian Reporter: Arrogant Ignorant Warmongering Yank! I can't find my favorite beer in Manhattan! Where can I get a fooking Newcastle?
Our Hero: Gee, I've always been able to get Newcastle just fine around Yankee Stadium. You just don't know how. Noone will serve you a Newcastle unless you use the code phrase and wear the proper hat. First wear this hat. The big red on the top stands for Beer. Then stand up on up on the bar, and shout "Reggie Jackson isn't good enough to kiss Ted Williams' ass!" That's how you order a Newcastle in New York.

EUroWeenie: Excuse me, ignorant uneducated American. I am from the European commision on the sizing of leeks. Leeks are a very important part of the Olympics, and I need you to tell me how to get there, or the UN will send you a nasty note.
Our Hero: Oh, gee, I wouldn't want the UN mad at me, would I?
EUroWeenie: No you wouldn't. You'll drown under their UN Resolutions of Fury!.
Our Hero: That doesn't sound good. OK. Here is where you go for special handling of disgusting EUroWeenes, er, Distinguished EU Commissioners. Get on the Staten Island Ferry. When you get off the ferry, say "Louis Farrakhan sent me." I'm certain you'll get to where you are going in no time..

Now if the Olympics don't come to New York, many of us will miss out on all of these wonderful opportunities for entertainment. Shame on Jeff for robbing us of these golden opportunities!

Posted by John Bono at March 11, 2005 12:09 PM| Link Cosmos

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